My blood tried to stick it in when I was nine I think..
stuck his fingers in my panties, then I washed in the sink.

It wouldn't fit, so he motioned me to suck his dick instead..
I did.. he came
I guess that was good head.

I swallowed the shit..a kid ..ain't that a bitch..
Now I'm grown, and I'm pissed.

And you wonder why some days I smile and then not.
You wonder why some days I'm cool, and then hot.

He and his friends took me on a ride on the interstate with some number..
a nigga named mack dug in my vagina, I remember.

And this shit has me sick, and I'm mad as hell.
And I want dudes to protect me, cause before they failed.

And this is living hell, and you think I'm fucked up.
And, yes I need the pain..that's why I'm tattooed up.

Lord keep me close.. this precious jewel in need.
I'm feeling like a wild ass, fucked up seed.

As I proceed to make dreams of my everyday thoughts..
I wonder who is there for me whatever the cost.

I'm not a victim, I suppose it's all my fault.
Got my mind back and forth between love and war.

My eyes seem to cry when I don't want them to.
Jay, who is Justify My Thug to..
Cause honestly I feel like it's me through You.
I ain never let a muthafucka talk bad about You.

And Wayne, I get nervous when you talk about voodoo..
but only Wayne knows what Wayne has been through.
Had me a little nervous on The Carter, The Walk Through. But Thank You.. Thank You for You.

Kanye, I didn't know if we'd get along..
But Graduation helped me sleep.. every beat, every song.
Thank You for You..You helped me be strong.

Ya'll are like Brothers..Homies I live through..
Not a crazy bitch,..just a sister that feels you.

I don't want to deal with the world.. I'm nervous..on edge..
So Heavenly Father it's to you I pledge..
And this maladaption right here is full fledge.....

So what do I do.. where do I go..Who do I turn to..how do I grow?
What do I know..what's wrong to say..
Do I say fuck the world and live for today?

Don't be afraid right..although I'm aching inside..
It's hard giving up when you know you've tried.

Stressed, but buster free..
Pac, Rest In Peace..
Thank You to the Music..
You've always been there for me.

What More Can I Say..
are you not entertained?
I don't give a lovely muthafuck..just like Wayne..
And I'm wondering.. I'm wondering what it all really means..

When the fuck do I find my dreams.




~23.

I wanted to write for days, but I was unsure what to expel.. I figure the truth, cause who the hell cares.

This dream world they speak of; show me the difference.
Facing what's real; show me how to be optimistic.

I've failed at this already, so I guess it's now or never.
So let the truth be told, I need to meet with that Rocafella.
Wayne, you too, cause you got game.
Ya'll talk for me ..I'm tired of explaining.

Delusions of Grandeur, yes, and misunderstood.
Who else will have dreams of me getting out of the hood.

Surrounded by skin much lighter than mine.. but I make the choice to stay at the back of the line.

They say they know what's wrong..tell me what's right.

Alcohol is legal .. Marijuana is illicit.. ..
But Delirium Tremens can kill when you quit it.

Mr. Officer, don't blue light me .. no cause for D.U.I..
I am honestly on a natural high.

I am scared .. yep fighting.. fighting scared as hell.
And I may have OCD since God is my wishing well.

I don't know where I'm going .. no fucking idea.
I don't even feel welcome here.

A statistic with things to lose ..
I chose school because I had to..

Don't lab rat me for trying to deliberate my thoughts..
I'm struggling to survive at all costs.

Rent isn't paid, and I've got four quarters on it ..
In this life, I'll never judge who has five on it ..

And if my boss reads this, I may lose my job ..
They'll think I'm ill.. that I've got a loose knob.

And I'd smile and say Thank You, and felineishly walk away ..
They'd be right ..I'm sick of that shit anyway ..

But back to reality .. responsibility .. obligations I must meet.
Deluding to Grandeur to dull the misery.

This may go unnoticed .. these tries at doing "right"..
But you'd notice who made First 48 tonight ..

You'd know what they did, who it was, if they hid..
You'd know if they folded .. you'd know they didn't bend..

SMH at you America..
You're in a fucked up way..
But I need Benzodiazepines and Barbiturates..

No Thank You, not today.

I may come back to this, and call myself crazy..
But at least through the day, I've made it.

~Abnormal.

It looks like it's on purpose..
but it's not.

~promise.

Jehovah.
Jesus.

Please help us.


~Brinking

I saw four faces on the Rorschach.
Maybe six.
I was looking for something else .. but time expired.

~probanded

I can make sense of anything.
And I make excuses for everyone, because Someone created me in His image, but the imperfection I was given makes me too forgiving.

And I don't see how I'm still standing, but it's in His image I draw strength.
Love..relentless.

*****

And I'm unsure where this life will lead, but they say there will be enemies unseen.. lurking..
but I see clearly .. just patient.

Fighting myself to be as thoughtless as most else.
To no avail, I remain concerned.
Unlike most else.

It all comes back.
Karma.
It has a home. Where it watches, and waits .. percieved evil, but it's not. When you take a blow, it silences a sniper shot. 
Assasinate me with the good I've done.
Shoot me. A lot.

Point blank, or from a distance..
either way .. no misses.
Destiny is a dream. But fate is bliss.

No weapon formed shall prosper. Rising tongues, condemned.
My cup half-full. But empty to the rim.

It's all a perception. What's wrong. What's right.
Character built from what's heavy.
Toss what's light.

Scared of myself, sometimes.
Not from this life.
Looked in the mirror and saw what an extraterrestrial looks like.

I'm just visiting.

I like night.

I see you using your peripheral sight.
Hold your head up. Look me in my eye. 
No fight.

Knock me off my feet?
Angels take flight.
I don't even walk right ..to you.

Even still, I can't tell you what's wrong or right.
So we find a way to live together in your life.
You live for the day.
I only visit at night.



~Insight of A Nightmare.

"I'll never ask for nothing I don't demand of myself.
Honesty, Loyalty, and Wealth.
Death before dishonor, and I tell you what else.
I'll tighten my belt before I beg for help.
Foolish pride is what held me together through the years I wasn't felt, which is why I never played myself..
I just play the hand I'm dealt.
I can't say I've never knelt before God and asked for better cards..
But I've never sat back feeling sorry for myself.


When you play the game of life, and the win ain't in the bag..
When your options is none, and the pen is all you have..
Try to take a walk in my 6 and a halfs..
Bet that stops all the grinning and the laughs..

.. If I don't get heaven, I'll raise hell.. until it's heaven."


~Actuated.